


Dysphoria

by demondean111



Series: FtM!Nico Coming Out to Everyone [2]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Acceptance, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Body Dysphoria, Camp Jupiter, Coming Out, FTM Nico, Gender Dysphoria, Mentioned Jason Grace - Freeform, New Rome, No Romance, Oneshot, Other, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Series, Supportive Hazel, Trans Character, mentioned bianca di angelo - Freeform, protective Reyna
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-12 09:50:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11159412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demondean111/pseuds/demondean111
Summary: Nico goes through major dysphoria and ends up having an anxiety attack. With Jason at Camp Half Blood, Nico is left with his other Roman friends, and sister, to worry about him.





	Dysphoria

Most days, Nico could get by with the binder and the boyish, baggy clothes. Most days, Nico felt at least decently masculine. Today was not one of those days.

From the moment Nico woke up that  _ oh, so lovely _ day, he’d been hyper-aware of his body. His curvy hips felt like they jut out of his sides more than usual. He felt like his cheeks were particularly round and rosy. Worst of all, Nico was bloated and  _ bleeding.  _

Whenever he got his period and his hormones were out of whack, he became self-conscious. But for the last 6 months, Jason had been there to remind Nico of his masculinity when he was at his worse. Now, Jason was gone to supervise the progress on the statues for the minor gods at Camp Half-Blood. 

So, there was Nico, staring at himself in the reflection of a window in New Rome, listing every one of his feminine flaws.

_ I need to get a haircut. I’m starting to look like Thalia. I need baggier shirts. I need different jeans. Normal guys don’t have this much hip or butt. Maybe I should buy a new binder. Maybe then they’ll go away completely. Maybe I should get an injection so I don’t get my period anymore. I should work out more. I need to lose all of the fat on me, get more muscular. Look less helpless and look more heroic.  _

Nico had been standing there for 5 minutes, relisting every flaw on his body and coming up with a million ways he could fix it. But none of them were enough. None of them changed the fact that Nico di Angelo is not a boy at all. Nothing would ever change how Hades sometimes still referred to him as Nicoline. Nothing would change the fact that when he showers he has to take that binder off and see those foreign, hideous lumps on his chest. For Zeus’s sake, Nico couldn’t escape his femininity for more than two seconds. And all of those seconds seemed to be crashing down on him.

He didn’t notice through all of this that he ‘d started shaking. He hadn’t felt the tears streaming down his girly, rosy cheeks. He was too busy to realize how overcome with anxiety he was until his legs gave out from under him. Nico only realized how messed up he was over these things when he was curled up in the middle of New Rome, panicking over his dysphoria. The endless mountain of things Nico could never achieve were now crushing his chest.  

Nico laid that way for minutes, until footsteps turned the corner and a familiar voice called out his name. _ For the love of Hephaestus, of all people to find me, why Hazel? _

The sounds of the footsteps became louder, until Hazel was kneeled down at his side, her concerned face looking down at him.

“Nico? Are you alright? Are you hurt? Are you sick?” Her golden eyes were filled with worry.

Before replying, Nico, shakily, sat himself up.

Conscious of the fact that his voice was only slightly deeper than hers, he mumbled, “Fine..I’m fine.”

As it always did when she was angry, a patch of precious metals lifted from the ground and surrounded her.

“You’re lying, Nico, and you and I both know it.”

Using all of her strength, she helped her older brother up and, despite his millions of protests, wrapped her arm around his waist and helped him to Reyna.

_ She can feel them. I know it. She feels my wide, ugly hips digging into her side.  _

Hazel was aware that Nico and Reyna were close, sharing similar personalities. So whenever anything serious happened to Nico, Hazel was sure to go to Reyna first. And from Nico’s current crying, shaking, breathless state, she knew it would take at least the two of them to help Nico with whatever was wrong.

Upon entering the Praetor’s room, there was a quick yell from her, “Busy! Come back later!”

Hazel only hesitated for a moment, feeling guilty for interrupting her from her work. Finally deciding that Nico was far more important, she yelled back, “It’s Nico! He’s a mess…”

_ That’s me. A mess. A complete, utter mess. Are they a boy or a girl? Are they straight or gay? Who knows. I know. But the answers are slowly tearing me apart. _

“What is it?” Reyna asked, swiping her bangs from her face, “What’s wrong with him?”

She looked over to the boy, who was still shaking and breathing sharply. Reyna had recognized the symptoms right away, but she couldn’t even begin to think of something that could trigger it this terribly.

“He’s having an anxiety attack,” Reyna stated, rushing to his side and pulling him to a chair.

Hazel helped, then Reyna had them both back off enough to give Nico space.

Nico pulled his knees against his chest, arms squeezing them in hope that it would shove those lumps back into his body. He was shaking, eyes glossed over as he lost himself in his sea of thoughts.

“Nico… Nico, Reyna and I are here for you. Could you tell us what’s wrong?” Hazel asked tenderly.

Nico stared at the reflection of himself in the window again, then shook his head, “J-Jas--N-no...I. I can’t.”

His breathing had quickened and he rocked on top of his quivering body. How could they not see? To Nico, it was  _ so obvious _ that his entire gender identity was a lie. It was so easy for him to picture the unhappy 10 year old he was, in the Lotus Casino with Bianca. He remembered telling her that all he ever wanted was to look like a boy, be treated like a boy. And his sister let him. She cut his dark, chocolate locks to a more messy, uneven boy haircut. They found him clothes in a gift shop and she called him Nico. Nico was happy. Until they left and time caught up with him. He started  _ developing.  _ There was no hiding from it then. There was no hiding from it ever.

A loud  _ snap  _ in front of his face pulled him out of the downward spiral of thoughts. 

“Nico!” Reyna shouted, “Tell us what’s bothering you, now.”

For some reason, her commanding tone was enough to give him some grip on his thoughts.

Now, though, he was faced with the worry of Reyna being disgusted by him and his lies. He worried about how his sister, who came from a similar time as he did, would see him. He knew when they were kids, Nico would have to worry about being shot in the streets or by his own family members. How would she, who grew up in a time where that was far worse than even the worst taboo, see her older brother?

“I--” He started, but was stopped by the lump in his throat.

“Nico…” Hazel soothed, “You can tell us anything. I’m your sister, and Reyna might as well be yours too.”

Somehow, Hazel knew that was what Nico needed to hear.

“I...I wasn’t born this way. I wasn’t born--I wasn’t a boy growing up..” He confessed in a small murmur.

He could see the flash of confusion in their eyes, so he continued, “M-My name was Nicoline... I-I’m transgender.”

The word came out of his mouth like it was venomous and a crime in itself.

Slowly, they both understood. He saw tears welt in Hazel’s eyes, and he was sure she was going to go off on him about being  _ unnatural  _ and  _ wrong _ . And as much as he wanted to stop, now that the words left his mouth, he couldn’t stop them from continuing. 

“I... Jason found out awhile ago,  before I was ready to tell anyone. He got that, and was willing to be there for me in private. But...he’s gone now. A-and I know I’m not an actual man and I won’t ever be. I know that my hips are too wide and that my butt is too big. I know my eyes are too doll-like and that my jawline is non-existent. And I know better than anyone else that I have these weights on my chest at all times that I feel like are suffocating me and I know those are things no real men have. I know a real man doesn’t get bloated or moody because their body is readying them to bare children. I know. I know. I know. I know I’m not a real guy, but I have never ever felt like I should be a girl. But I am. I’m a soft, curvy, pretty girl.”

Tears were rolling down Hazel’s cheeks, and Reyna seemed angry.

“Please don’t hate me,” Nico whimpered, which he realized made his voice sound even higher and even more pathetic.

Reyna was the first to speak, “Nico. You are more of a man than any of those other guys in this entire camp. You deal with all of the horribleness that comes with being a girl in silence, not letting a single person even suspect that you are anything but a man. I am now, more than ever, proud to be your friend.”

Nico could tell she was trying to stay like her normal, strong self, but he could hear the shakiness in her voice, which told him that she meant every word she said with every ounce of emotion in her being.

“I-I’m so sorry, Nico…” Hazel mumbled, “W-what kind of sister am I? D-did I do something to make you think that I wouldn’t love you after I knew something like this? ‘Cause, I can’t even begin to imagine not having you to protect me. Y-you’re my big brother… It doesn’t matter what your anatomy tries to tell you… you’re my brother.”

Nico slowly released his knees from his chest, letting his breathing even out. Nico now had three people that he knew would support him through everything and that was  ~~ good enough ~~ all that he could ask for.


End file.
